Or at least Hit Girl kicked ass. Kick-Ass was sort of annoying. He looked ridiculous, for starters, and his weapon of choice was, what, sticks? The few times he was actually fighting crime, he was usually stabbed. Or hit by a car. Or giving some boring speech about how gang violence is wrong.
Kick-ass’s alter ego, a pre-pubescent 17 year-old named Dave Lizewski, is even more unbearable. He spends most of the movie masturbating and hating himself.
T. Well, in his defense, all we did in high school is masturbate and hate ourselves.
Z. I’m masturbating and hating myself right now.
He also pretends to be gay so he can have naked sleep-overs with the hot girl at his high school. This works out for him, by the way, even though he reveals his true sexual preference after breaking into her bedroom dressed like a Jamaican Bobsledder and getting hairsprayed in the face. And then she’s like, “Oh, fine, I forgive you. You wanna have sex?”
Z. A good rule of thumb though, generally, is don’t lie to a girl about your sexual preference.
T. Yeah, the only lies you should tell a girl are: “You know what TV show I really love? Grey’s Anatomy.”
Z. “I don’t get why everyone thinks Megan Fox is so hot.”
T. “I agree, we should get to know each other better before beginning a physical relationship.”
Z. “I know what you mean.”
Anyway, Kick-Ass, despite its eponymous flaws, was really fantastic. Thanks mostly to one homicidally precocious little girl: Mindy Macready, our little Hit Girl. The purple-haired pixie spills enough blood to put Bonfils out of business. The first time we see her on screen, her father, a perfectly unhinged Nic Cage, is preparing her to do battle with drug-dealing junkies. First lesson: “Here’s a bulletproof vest, no wincing while I shoot you in the chest.”
T. Nic Cage is nuts.
Z. He should stick to being nuts. Nic Cage is great when he’s playing nuts.
T. Like, totally crazy characters.
Z. Joaquin Phoenix: starring Nicolas Cage.
When we first see sweet little Mindy Macready in full bad-ass regalia as Hit-Girl, she’s surrounded by thugs and her first sentence (we don’t remember it exactly) is something along the lines of, “Okay you cunts, let’s see what you got.”
Studio: “We want your eleven-year-old girl to be in our movie.”
Parent: “Oh, great.”
Studio: “Is it okay if she says ‘cunts’ and gets kicked in the face and shoots a lot of people in the face?”
Hit Girl steals the show; or rather sneaks up on the show and stabs it in the throat. Hopefully Kiss-Ass spawns a new genre of action movies staring tween girls.
Z. “Miley Cyrus … as Rambo.”
T. “Abigale Breslin is: The Fugitive.”
So while it may be Kick-Ass who saved Hit Girl — Hit Girl saved Kick-Ass.
T. See what I did there, with that last sentence?
Z. Love it.
Kick-Ass: 3 Bravehearts.